I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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