my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So squirting runs in the family.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
