my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
