are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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