we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
