he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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