I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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