mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
