anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
