My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
3pm strippers are depressing
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
