I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
COCAINE IS GR8
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
