we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
