so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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