I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
