My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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