my sisters under your porch take her home
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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