My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
