she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
