The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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