Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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