ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
