Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
