Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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