I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
