The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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