i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
