Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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