who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
