i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
