Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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