remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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