your thong is hanging out like whoa
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
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I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
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Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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