Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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