If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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