At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
