College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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