I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
