My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
