Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
