I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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