Me. At least after what I've been through.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
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Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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