So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
