Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
