I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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