Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
