I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
