The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
