Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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