You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
