sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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