DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
