im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
