She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
