So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
