It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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