I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
