It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
